


Edit That Out

by phantom_at_the_disco



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bedroom Sex, Dark, Death, Everyone is Dead, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Forehead Kisses, Gay, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phan Smut, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide, Suicide Notes, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:38:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7361803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantom_at_the_disco/pseuds/phantom_at_the_disco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a video, Phil discovers that Dan struggles with self-harm. The story escalates from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpectralHeart](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=SpectralHeart).



> this is kinda like an intro to my fic. ill post more chapters this week. :3

Phil smiled as Dan waved to the camera. 

“Hello Internet!” he said, chuckling.  
Phil loved watching Dan make his videos. Even when he wasn’t the one joking around in front of the lens, he still adored the warm atmosphere and comforting bed sheets he sat upon while watching the brunette talk to his fans. But most of all, he loved the way Dan was so relaxed like this, in his own awkward way. 

It was all so perfect. He was so perfect.


	2. Phil...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k ill post more chapters this week. i think this is going alright. ^.^

Phil called from the kitchen. “Would you like some crisps before we start? I’m kinda hungry, and this might take a while…” “Sure…” Dan mumbled back. He seemed absentminded, Phil noted. As distracted as Dan usually was, this didn’t seem normal. 

Phil threw the thought into the back of his mind. It surely couldn’t be that important, and besides, it was time to make a video. It wasn’t a time for worrying. He opened a bag of crisps and threw some into a bowl, then trudged into his room. Dan was already set up, and sitting on Phil’s bed, fidgeting with his sweater sleeve.  
Phil set the crisps down next to him and watched as Dan grabbed a few and threw them in his mouth. 

Dan moved from the bed onto a chair in front of the camera, and Phil did the same. They started the same routine as always. They started to speak to the invisible audience, but Phil soon found that he couldn’t focus. His mind was racing with thoughts of Dan. Why was he so spacey? Why was he fidgeting with his sweater; he never does that… 

Phil covered his mouth with his hands and giggled as Dan’s chair tipped backwards and he landed hard on the ground. By now, Phil had somewhat dismissed the thoughts and assumed Dan was just acting weird because they just got back from the tour. He was pretty sure he had read somewhere that skittishness and standoffishness were side effects of travel. 

Dan recovered from his fall and pushed himself off the ground. Laughing, he got back into his chair and rested his arms on the desk in front of him. Phil looked over at Dan, still giggling, and was immediately hushed. During the fall, Dan’s sleeves seemed to have moved up a little, exposing his wrists. Dan seemed oblivious to this, but Phil had a sneaking suspicion that if he knew, he wouldn’t be so calm. 

Phil continued to examine Dan’s wrists as Dan spoke to the camera. He noticed four deep cuts in each of Dan’s wrists, and tears welled in his eyes. Was that why Dan was acting like that.... The still-oblivious Dan looked over, asking Phil a question regarding the video, but Phil was so overwhelmed he couldn’t answer. Dan followed his gaze and was horrified to see it landed on the gashes in his wrists. Hoping Phil didn’t see them, he yanked his sleeves down to his fingertips and turned away from Phil, back to the camera lens. Phil turned away too, brushing his tear-stained cheeks, but continued to observe Dan from the corner of his eyes. “Edit that out.” he said quietly, and Dan nodded slightly.


	3. The Sun and the Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, it's been a while since i worked on this. i thought i might as well write more for all those asking. ~  
> thank you for all the hits and kudos! we finally reached 1000! ~  
> starting a new, fluffier phanfic soon! ~

The second Dan finished uploading the video, he rushed to his room, avoiding Phil at all costs. Phil was still sitting there with the bowl of crisps in his lap, his mouth in a hard line and tears streaming down his face.

 _‘Is this really who Dan is?’_ Swirls of sadness and pity filled his mind. _‘Is my little moon really the boy who cries in the pillow every night and reaches for the knife?’_ He had to help Dan. Phil knew he couldn’t get him to stop, but he had to help keep Dan’s mind off of it. It was the type of situation that called for a grand gesture. Luckily, Phil was good at those.

**…**

Dan sat on the edge of the bed, wiping his nose on his cotton sweater sleeve. It was his favorite sweater, the one that reminded him of Phil, the one that he wore when he first met the man that changed his life, and he cried even more at the thought of the blood, tears, and sorrow soaking the warm fabric.

He knew Phil was heartbroken. _‘Why do I ruin everything?... My little sun doesn’t deserve this. He deserves to be happy.’_  
He got down on the floor, on his hands and knees, and reached for the dagger hiding in the shadows under his bed. Marveling at the sheen on the metal, he strengthened his grip on the handle. Pressing the blade against his wrist, he made a motion as though about to slash. Sharp breaths cut the tension in the air, and hot tears stung his cheeks. Brushing them away with the warm sweater, he threw the knife back under the bed, and collapsed on the ground, enveloped by another heartbroken sleep.


	4. Him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is like a very small in-between chapter, before the really long one in which your hearts will break. :)
> 
> feel free to subscribe to my account or the work for email updates on new chapters.

Phil busied himself, preparing for the special surprise he had planned for Dan. It had to be perfect. Grabbing his ingredients, he hurried to his own room and locked the door behind him. Whilst setting up, he let his mind race. _‘What happened to Dan that made him like this? He was doing so well… not straightening his hair, wearing pastels, showing my as much affection on camera as he dared…”_  
He started setting up even faster. If he wanted to help Dan, everything had to be just right, and it had to happen tonight. 

He knew there was one thing Dan would choose over cutting: him.


	5. I'll Do Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you you'd be heartbroken. i would say i'm sorry, but i'm not. everyone needs some good smut and heartbreak every now and then.  
> speaking of smut, there's a lot more to come. 
> 
> additional note: if anyone ever wants to cowrite with me, just send me a message. :)

Dan was slumped over on his bed, his limp fingers wrapped around the neck of a wine bottle. His hair was damp from nervous sweat, a sign that he felt hopeless.   
Grumbling, he opened his crusted eyes, sore and rimmed with red, and recalled the events of the following night. As the memories came flooding back, he gripped the bottle harder, looking for a place to hide it. Phil knew he was cutting, but he couldn’t find out about the alcohol. He tossed the wine under the bed, where it clinked against the resting knife. Pulling himself into a sitting position, he threw on a long-sleeved sweater and walked out the door. 

He stopped short.

A soft glow filled the hallway, and Dan’s breath was taken away. Small candles lined the floor, illuminated the walls. Petals the color of the wine Dan drowned his sorrows in were scattered around the floor, and rich silk scarves were pinned to drape along with the candles. 

He smiled a weak smile, warmth filling his body. _‘I bet Phil did this.’_ His eyes filled with stars and tears as he walked down the hall, looking for Phil. As he neared the end of the hall, loving arms wrapped around his shoulders. Dan paused, then whipped around and pinned Phil to the wall, kissing him aggressively. He mashed his lips against the dark haired boy’s, pulling at his hair as though he feared he might collapse. 

Phil pressed his body against Dan’s as passionate tears flooded from Dan’s eyes. It felt so amazing to be loved. Dan pulled his shirt off and pulled Phil into his bedroom, forgetting about the knife and bottle, only wanting to be smothered in Phil’s compassion. He ran his hands up Phil’s shirt and continued to kiss him. Heat and sexual tension built up in his core.

Phil broke free and started kissing Dan’s jawline tenderly, kissing the tear streaks away. He nibbled at Dan’s ear as he started unbuttoning Phil’s pants. Phil moaned his ear as he slid his hands inside. He ground against Dan’s hand as they both fell onto the bed. 

“Wow…” Phil breathed heavily. “Dan…“ The brunette smiled at the sound of his name being said out loud, and kissed Phil again, this time slowly and tenderly. He continued to stroke inside of Phil’s jeans. Every time Dan’s mouth met Phil’s, the tension in the room grew. The air was heavy with sex and love. 

Suddenly, Dan stopped, pulling away as if awakening from a trance. He looked down at the blood pouring from a newly cut gash in his wrist. Phil stopped, looking at Dan with furrowed brows, then rushed into the hallway. He came back, a silk scarf in his hands. Gently grabbing Dan’s bleeding wrist, he wrapped the silk like a bandage around the wound. 

“I’m going to protect you, love. The moon and the sun walk hand in hand and make the world bright. If the moon lived without the sun, the world would be a dark, lifeless place. If the sun lived without the moon, the world would be a blank, lifeless place. Darkness exists to make light truly count. ”

“I promise, I’ll do better.”

Dan collapsed onto Phil, overcome by emotion and love. Both boys curled up on Dan’s bed, and once again Dan was enveloped by sleep. But this time, the only heartbroken one was Phil.


	6. Pour Me A Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, it's been a while my friends. but no worries, i would never orphan a work. ~  
> a big thanks to those four who asked to co-write with me, i'll be in touch! :) ~  
> more chapters on the way!~
> 
> [ALCOHOLISM TRIGGER]

_'Stop! Stop! Don’t leave me! I’m sorry!_  
Why is he leaving? I didn’t mean to do it, I swear!  
But sometimes it just gets to be so much and I can’t take it! It’s like every emotion, every experience, every regret builds up and swirls around inside me like a whirlpool and I CAN’T TAKE IT. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this!  
Stop crying! Stop, please! You don’t have to leave! I wasn’t lying when I said I’d do better. It just...takes time.   
Slow down! Please don’t run!   
I didn’t mean t--PHIL! WATCH OUT! 

_Oh my God oh my God oh my God…'_

Dan woke up, clawing away at his sheets like a wild animal. What was once words of love whispering from his lips was now replaced by ragged breathlessness. He gasped for air and pushed himself from the sheets, his eyes flat, emotionless disks, like a deer in headlights.  
Tears poured down his cheeks as he slowly regained his breath.   
When his body was torturing him, his mind was.

Warm morning sunlight poured on his skin from the window, and strands of gold appeared in his hair as he sat up.   
_'I need a drink.'_ He sighed and go down on his hands and knees.  
Reaching under his bed, he firmly grasped the wine bottle hidden there. Twisting the cap off, he took a long, hard swig, letting the strong drink flow down his sore throat. Peering down into the bottle, he let out a slow breath. It was the same color as the blood seeping from his wrist mere hours ago, the same blood that made Dan fear Phil would leave him at any second. He hated himself. He hated every single second that he was like this, and he knew he was too far gone. It was only a matter of time. 

Flashes of red crept into his vision, his pain bubbling up. The air suddenly felt hot and thick, and hardly passed through Dan’s lips. He breathed in the wine, not caring for the consequences, only wanting to make the pain stop. To make Phil want him again. To make anyone want him.   
Nothing mattered anymore. The wine kept flowing, and he tipped the bottle farther back, letting it spill into him. Hot tears mixed in with the drink, and streams of the deep red liquid dribbled down his chin as he sloppily chugged more down. 

The red in his eyes was soon replaced with black, and everything started to numb. He couldn’t think anymore, just drink. The last droplets slid down the neck of the bottle into the neck of the broken boy. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t smell, and most importantly, he couldn’t feel. It was over. And as Phil’s feet turned the corner into the doorway, Dan was gone.


End file.
